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Damien Rice - Accidental Babies
A co-blogger this morning told me very briefly that what I should have the ‘talk’ with the object of my affection and talk things through.
I know where the object of my affection lies.
He can only give me so much. A casual-open-whenever-it-suits-him-relationship with no guarantees or promises.
This was not what I bargained for. And although when we’re together I feel his love towards me as a person, I do not yearn for just that.
I need something deeper, a more profound connection. He does not want to have a more profound connection. Not with me, at least.
I wish he didn’t only see me as a machine. I say machine, because he takes so many of my actions for granted, he forgets that I am a person too with feelings and weaknesses, and that at any given moment I might stop existing from his life.
I’d want him to care if I’d stop existing. I’d want him to seek for me. But he won’t.
So I either shut up, for the good of “the friendship” and keep whatever this is between us and I remain patient and oblivious to all his indifference and meanness or I cut ties with a razor-blade, never speak to him again, never see him again and move on.
The thing is this: I am a believer still. Not that he will change in any way, but that he will perhaps one day understand all the harm that he is committing against me.
He can be a wonderful man. He just stopped trusting and believing that someone can actually love him and care for him as one deserves in life.
He stopped believing in goodness. Your brother is a very hurt human being. And perhaps that is one of the main reasons, I cannot give up on him, or us, just yet.
He says that I can’t fix everything and some things are what they are. It’s not about fixing things or someone. It’s about offering love, hope, comfort, help when you see there’s need for it. Whether it helps or not that’s his call.
In a weird way I know he loves me, more that he will ever claim to admit. But ‘cause of the pain he carries, he defuses love and seeks for something more practical, in this case occasional pleasures of the flesh and occasional social get-togethers.
He claims the need for a more solitary life, away from people and society in general. That, I believe, it’s his fear of actually trying to form a communication with society.
I am not a society supporter myself, but to not have lived outside society’s norms, cannot possibly give you the emotional or psychological strength to withstand society’s pain. And as he has not ever lived outside his cocoon, he chooses to believe that his only sanctuary is his distance from human beings altogether.
I believe in light. Always have, always will. When I first met your brother, I saw light. A glow so bright that made me want to explore.
Then he showed me a carnal pleasure. Pleasures of the flesh are dark and insidious. They can be tricky and offer a sweet surrender, an illusion. For a while. Then they start to fade. And as the light dims on these pleasures, you start to realize how much into darkness you have been.
I am not saying that physical connection is something bad or something evil. Just that, they do not offer light in a person’s life.
Love does, though.
So, for however long I still have patience in me I will keep this charade with your brother.
I know that in this way I’m only corrupting my own psyche (soul), but this soul of mine loves him.
For what he is, for however he is. Unfortunately, he came to my life and now I bear a part of his pain as well.
Do not think me stupid, or do not say I am only doing it cause I might be more emotionally connected with him. Or because he was my first.
I am staying because I still have to. And where I still can give, I will. Even though the appreciation is not returned to me as it should for all that I give, I will keep on giving.
Because I believe in his light, still!
‘Tis the dullness of a wistful sun
Pending on idle hearts with absent minds
Steel of will orbiting in the kingdom come
Bravery battles for a man-made reward
The jewel island has yielded to blackness
Till the Moor struggles out its very last hope
Beaconing for a human heart
Pumping and bloody to become a savior
Tell-tale signs of a chimed grandfather clock
To whom this oddity is brushed off
How should the rays of enlinghtment touch thee?
When nymphs have dressed thee in black waters
Oh Birdy, my birdy, thy journey thus far is a naught,
Crossing hearts and minds
Blasting truths and dares.
“Abandon ship”, the Master said,
By the death of the intern our salvation is at hand,
But without thee ‘tis only a broken wasteland.
Spelling our good-byes hastily
In the wrong neglected scriptures,
Discarding the immortal wine from the Silver Cup
Solitude hands us firmly for her whim,
Spiking the innocence of us for her wanton sport,
Crashing beauty and all her trims
For thee I prayed the winds would crack
To lead thee in a green chaos of ambition
Leaving my animal heart in a vain collision
North winds blew with their iron cheeks,
Thus tempted mine passions,
For the resurrected poetry
How not to bloom thou hast taught me,
Taunting has transformed into sweet surrender
A blind man’s buff thus this life will always be.
Exile is a dreadful delight,
For the one who cherishes nothing more
Than the release and rebirth of the spirit.
An Easter Island has thrown me in tempest
Crafting spells and gospels
Leaving my tyrant to an incessant frenzied service
Why, how should you die so fertile in thy prime?
My ingenious dragon your earth has lied to thee,
In bitterness thou shalt live till Kingdoms sleeps.
‘Tis a grey soul that will wrinkle in your calling
A warrior of light, was once called by its sweetheart,
Before the maid found her sudden end, she prayed for Light.
A certain Britomarte shall be thy salvation;
If thou shalt let her Light guide thee out of the shadows,
To walk with thee to the galactic gallows.
The honeyed-guillotine awaits us, dear Shepherd;
Follow the trail of the entwined souls,
That bid thee Farewell, with their dying hallows.