Adieu! Adieu! Adieu...

Somewhere in the middle...

I met you in the middle of my story. 

Fairly bruised and torn

We did not deserve each other.

The beatings we did not see coming

Are violently crawling on our souls

Making sure that we remain weak enough

To accommodate them for another day.

Who let go of whose hand is not sure

Now in the middle of our story we are forlorn

Like part and parcel of the Lord

We abide by the calling of the addiction

White on foil and lard on porcelain

This is what our dreams have come to

The passion fizzled in the air

Leaving ashes and silence behind

We left Faith in the doorstep of Temptation

Surrendered our Spirits to the Love of the Beast

And somewhere here, in the middle

We gave up on a Love surreal

I loved you once

And so did you

But now there's only pain

Adieu! Adieu! Adieu..

Remember me...

Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out

One Day at a Time

These days I can’t manage to finish a post. My mind scatters and sometimes I’m even scared to put down into words what it is that’s actually being going on with me.

I’ve always been an emotional kid. An over-thinker and a hyper-sensitive. Prone to feeling everything all at once. And taking other people’s feelings and making them my own.

Last year I met someone that changed my life completely. Changed the way I view things, the way I view myself, the world around me, my relationship with other people, my relationship with myself.

I realised that my profound need to get approval from the males in my life has always been carrying me through. And when I was often not getting it, I would become disappointed to the point where I would find refuge in compulsive eating. My safe place was the mouth. Just satisfying the belly, thus suppressing and neglecting the painful feelings behind this action. 

The past year has been a painful but also a valuable lesson for me. It broke me. Literally inside and out. I had to deconstruct my Self, in order to build it up again and then lose it once more, only to start back from scratch. 

What I’ve come to understand is that everything is a process. A journey that never ends. And every day is a new day to fight the good fight one more time. But you have to do it, one day at a time. It can’t be done any other way. 

The 12-step rooms have taught me that you can’t think your whole life in a day. You have to live today for today. And the more you’re not letting go – anger, sadness, ego, pain – the more these things will eat you bit by bit on the inside. 

Again, this is a painful process, and you can’t learn how to let go in a day. What I can do today is start. Take one small step and say to myself “It’s going to be okay. You’re doing great. You’re doing the best you can, today. And what you can’t do for yourself, God will do for you.“

I’ve had a rocky relationship this past year with God. It went dark for a while. And some days it still feels this way. My communication with God was sullied. By pain and darkness. I let the monsters inside, and they consumed me, and some days they still try to get in, and sometimes they even succeed. 

I won’t lie, I haven’t yet come out of the other side. And for the first time in my life I understood what ‘mental illness’ actually means. Now, I have even more empathy for those who cannot explain in full sentences how muddled things can get inside. Now I can relate to how sometimes you can’t get up from the floor, you just can’t lift yourself up and go on with your day. How you wish that this vast emptiness could swallow you into its dark release so that you just stay there in complete silent despair. 

And then you get these bloody panic attacks, which are the exact opposite from depression. Depression throws you down, makes your mind an enemy and tries to kill you one day at a time. And anxiety is the cherry on the cake; sweet and cunning, it grips you slowly, unexpectedly, from one minor word to a single innocent glance. And it’s like a tornado. It comes down swirling and fierce, not knowing how to escape it or come out of it. And you can’t do it alone. 

To make things worse is having someone next to you who just doesn’t seem to get it. Someone who thinks you can just snap out of it. Alone. And that all of this is your fault. I’ve had that. And I’ve had frustration. And anger. And ego. Around me. All. The. Time. 

Let me tell you something from experience; you can’t just snap out of it. You cant remember to breathe or get a grip. Not when your mind wants you dead, and when you’re body seems to be more of an enemy than a friend.

And the only thing that works is human touch, a hug. The power of hugging is one of the most powerful things in the world. It can soothe your soul down, it can connect your soul, it can make your entire entity feel in total harmony and peace. As long as it comes mutually and is filled with love. Otherwise, an unwilling hug, becomes a hostile and unsafe environment, a dark cave that someone else wants to lock you inside filled with monsters. This unwelcoming hug is nothing more than the opposite of what one needs when having a panic attack. Sadly, I was offered one of these hugs once too many times. And of course, instead of soothing the attacks, they grew bigger and wider. They got out of control, to the point where self harm would play a big role in the attack and there was a lot of confusion and fear involved. A lot of incoherent mumble jumble on my part that I simply to this day do not even have the faintest clue where they are coming from. 

All of these are dreadful things to experience. And unless you experience a panic attack you don’t know how unbelievably helpless you feel at that moment, how scared and in how much agony your body and your mind is in. Words do not seem to be formed in a coherent way, you seem to lose control of your limbs and your entire body function. All that exists is fear. And fear has such power that it can swallow you whole. And the only thing to drag you out of this dark abyss of an attack is if someone is there to pull you out. 

You cannot do it alone. You need help. The point is to understand that you are not alone. I have yet to believe in this. Sometimes it doesn’t feel so lonely. When I find the courage to speak to people and open up about what’s going on. But most of the times, it still feels lonely and scary. 

Like there’s this dark cloud hovering over my head ready to shower its negativity onto me, dreading its outburst. This is how it feels now. I’m at this stage. Still struggling to get up and walk out of the house every morning. 

My dog has been a tremendous help. Animals are in general. And babies. Well, as I’ve not have a baby around to sooth me, I have a dog. And she’s been like God sent, especially when I am feeling this hopeless fear gripping every fibre in my body. 

One day at a time, I am here today. Trying my best, today. Just for today, I will try to make it through the day. One step at a time. With wobbly feet and a fearful heart that tells me that God loves me, even when I don’t want to believe it. 

A bientot! 

Evita Velvet. 

Maya

Maya

Once upon a time, there was a little girl with platted hair. She would sit and look at the mirror for hours on end and she would try to find beauty, kindness and friends. One day, a good, but also cunning fairy, appeared inside the mirror and told the little girl the following words: “You will not find the beauty that you seek inside the mirror. The beauty which you seek is inside your soul. And kindness goes along with it. And if you’re brave enough to have kindness in your heart, then your soul will be beautiful too. And inside that beauty you will also meet heavenly friends.” The little girl with the long platted hair, could not understand what the fairy’s words meant. And so, she kept growing up. She couldn’t see yet the beauty in her soul, nor could she recognize the kindness she had in her heart.. And so she grew up feeling lonely, full of melancholy and guilt. I do not know what happened to the little girl, because she still feels lonely, filled with melancholy and guilt. She still can’t see the beauty her soul has or the goodness that her heart holds inside. And many of the “friends” she thought were her brother or sisters, left her side, making her heart ache a little bit more each time. But every story deserves a beautiful ending, isn’t that right? So let’s just say, that the little girl with the brown coloured platted hair still has faith that someday she will be able to see the beauty of her soul, to recognize the kindness of her heart and that one day she will meet her heavenly friend just like the fairy once told her.

Maya

Μια φορά και ένα καιρό ήταν ένα μικρό κοριτσάκι με κοτσίδες. Καθότανε και κοιτάζε με τις ώρες τον καθρέφτη και προσπαθούσε να βρει ομορφιά, καλοσύνη και φίλους. Μια μέρα, μια καλή, μα και πονηρή νεράιδα, βγήκε απο τον καθρέφτη και είπε τα εξής λόγια στο μικρό κοριτσάκι «Η ομορφιά που ψάχνεις δεν βρίσκεται εδώ μέσα. Η ομορφιά που ψάχνεις κρύβεται στην ψυχή σου. Μαζί της πάει χέρι χέρι και η καλοσύνη. Και αν είσαι αρκετά θαρραλέα, αν έχεις καλοσύνη στη καρδιά σου, τότε θα είναι και η ψυχή σου όμορφη. Και μέσα απ’ αυτή την ομορφιά θα βρεις φίλους ουράνιους.» Το κοριτσάκι με τις μακριές πλεξούδες, δεν μπορούσε να καταλάβει τι εννούσε η νεράιδα. Και έτσι μεγάλωνε συνεχώς. Δεν μπορούσε ακόμα να δει την ομορφιά στην ψυχή της, ούτε να αναγνωρίσει την καλοσύνη που έκρυβε η καρδιά της.. Και έτσι μεγάλωσε νιώθοντας πάντοτε μόνη, γεμάτη με μελαγχολία και ενοχή. Δεν ξέρω τι απέγινε στο κοριτσάκι, γιατί ακόμη νιώθει μόνη, γεμάτη με μελαγχολία και ενοχές. Ακόμη δεν μπορεί να δει την ομορφιά της ψυχής της ή την καλοσύνη στην καρδιά της. Και πολλοί από τους «φίλους» που νόμιζε αδέλφια της, έφυγαν απο κοντά της, κάνοντας την καρδιά της να πονάει κάθε φορά και λιγάκι περισσότερο. Μα κάθε ιστορία αξίζει ένα όμορφο τέλος, έτσι δεν είναι; Τότε, ας πούμε ότι το κοριτσάκι με τις καστανές πλεξούδες ακόμα έχει πίστη πως κάποια μέρα θα μπορέσει να δει την ομορφιά της ψυχής της, να αναγνωρίσει την καλοσύνη της καρδιά της και θα ανταμώσει με τους ουράνιους φίλους της όπως της είχε πει κάποτε η νεράιδα της.

Before Dawn

 

Dream playing. 

Her head is moving uncomfortably.

He stirs. 

He’s sighing.

He’s thinking ‘Oh God, not again’.

‘She’s at it again.’

The Dream stops.

She startles up. She’s shaking now.

He asks what’s wrong.

Her screams echo silence and imminent disaster.

He's scared she will snap again.

Her yelling wrecks him.

Something inside snaps little by little.

“Come, come into my arms, you’re safe”.

He whispers in the darkness.

She tilts her head.

She’s terrified.

She sees the demons again.

He can’t stand this madness anymore.

“Control yourself. Get a grip”.

He snaps.

The cigarettes slip form his fingers.

He promised to quit.

Maybe next week.

Now they’re his only salvation.

“They’re here. They want me to go to them.

Why can’t you see them?

Why won’t they leave me alone?

Please, stop it.

Please, understand me.

They live in my mind.

They want me dead.”

He’s angry now.

How many times the same story.

How much more can he do.

He’s falling apart.

She’s already fallen apart.

They are both in pieces.

Ruins of a scared love.

Shadows of their past selves.

They curl up into a ball.

A ball of love.

A ball of fear.

Mixed together with faith.

United by hope.

Just like the beginning of them.

The Beast / Το Θεριό

The Beast

It’s sitting there; giving you its lusty looks

Not letting you catch a breath.

Wherever your stare drops

It’s always there; sneaky and cunning

Its calling is but its morbid commands

But with what kind of weapons can you fight against it

Your rotten swords mock you constantly

And no matter how much your tears cover you

You cannot hide form the Beast

Its dark beauty encircles you

Lures you into the chaos of the mind

That’s exactly where it wants you;

To be alone, fighting in vain

Scratching the tiny green lines on your hand

Until they turn red from your shame

And you leave, you’re lost, you’re scattered

You fly away looking at the flames that await you

His touch revives you momentarily

But it is not enough against the giant Beast

The one that grows inside of you at night time

The one that kills you with every dawn

What ruthless being this is

That escaped the gates of Hades

To live inside innocent minds

Unethical and determined for the misery it spreads

It strives with zeal to achieve its blackness

Ignorant and carefree you are

And suddenly you are excited by its dark romanticism

Its sweet melancholy that gives you so freely

Tempting you with appealing lyrics

And it’s waiting in the corner for you

‘Till the moment comes to look inside you

And throw you a smile full of silence and deceit

And it will guide you into the darkness again tonight

In the secret labyrinths of your soul

You’re immobilised and you blow up

Trying to rip your black thoughts

The ones that scream your end

The ones that are flattering your fall

They swirl your mind like the Furies

Whispering your failed achievements

The pale light whimpers in the presence of the Beast

And bows to its power

You are small in its presence and you know it

You are small in its presence and it knows it, too.

The Beast awaits for you tonight

To guide you like Persephone in the shadows

Whilst you chase the white pill on the sheet

Vainly dancing in your fantasy like a pawn

It is all false! And you know it.

But you loved the Beast so gloriously

You give in to its deceitful sweet talk

And you lay your head on the cold floor

Stuttering prayers to your angels

And your insides are filled with blazing fumes

Whilst you are wondering, where all your friends have gone

They are all lost in the ‘Self’

Insulting your bonds.

The Beast is aiming smartly now

To isolate you unconsciously

Building transparent walls

Trapping you in the mind’s desert

With only the white crows for your companions

Reminding you of their curse.

The Beast wants to see you in flames

With your beautiful spasms

Grovelling in your meaningless words

Fighting to make it through

Just for this night too

To see yourself through to the birth of the Sun

Guiding you once again into the glorious dawn

Handling and manipulating your every thought

Greedy and imperious

Its only target; your marrow

For the Beast will always be Beautiful

No matter which era it chooses to visit

It shall always be the Fear of an innocent soul

Like a modern Cerberus

That no matter what you do it will still lure you in

The depths of the dark and misty sea

That storms in your head

Have I not told you of this again and again?

That you are small against the Beast, and you know it

That you are small against the Beast, and it knows it, too

Someday though…

Michael will come and win

One day though…

You will sit in silence and be still

Someday though…

The Beast will Fear,

                     -      Finally.

                  *********************************************************************

Το θεριό

Κάθεται εκεί και σε κοιτάει πρόστυχα

Δε σ’ αφήνει να ξαποστάσεις

Όπου κι’ αν γυρίσεις τη ματιά σου

Πάντα εκεί, πονηρό και ύπουλο

Οι νοσηρές του προσταγές το κάλεσμα του

Με τι όπλα να παλέψεις ενάντια του

Τα σαπισμένα σου σπαθιά σε χλευάζουν διαρκώς

Όσο κι αν σε σκεπάζουν τα δάκρυα σου

Δε μπορείς να κρυφτείς απ’ το Θεριό

Η σκοτεινή του ομορφιά σε τυλίγει

Σε παρασύρει στο χάος του μυαλού

Εκεί ακριβώς σε θέλει

Μοναχός σου να είσαι, να παλεύεις μάταια

Γρατζουνόντας τις μικρές πράσινες γραμμές στο χέρι σου

Μέχρι να γίνουν κατακόκκινες απ’ την ντροπή σου

Και φεύγεις, χάνεσαι, σκορπίζεσαι

Πετάς ψηλά βλέποντας τις φλόγες να σε περιμένουν

Το άγγιγμα του σε συνεφέρνει ελαφρά

Μα είναι λίγο μπροστά στο πελώριο Θεριό

Αυτό που μεγαλώνει μέσα σου τα βράδυα

Αυτό που σε σκοτώνει κάθε ξημέρωμα

Τι ανελέητο πλάσμα είναι αυτό

Που απ’ τις πύλες του Άδη ξέφυγε

Για να κατοικά στα μυαλά αθώων

Ανήθικο και σίγουρο για τη μιζέρια που σπέρνει

Μάχεται ακόπιαστα να επιτεύξει τη μαυρίλα του

Ανίδεος κι ανέμελος σαν είσαι

Σε συναρπάζει με τον ρομαντισμό του

Την γλυκιά μελαγχολία του σου χαρίζει απλόχερα

Σε δελεάζει με θελτικά στοιχάκια

Και παραμονεύει στην γωνιά

Μέχρι να’ ρθει η στιγμή που θα ρίξει τη ματιά του

Θα σου χαμογελάσει με δόλο και σιωπή

Και θα σε οδηγήσει κι απόψε στο σκοτάδι

Στους κρυφούς λαβύρινθους της ψυχής σου

Ακινητοποιήσε και ξεσπάς

Προσπαθώντας να ξεσκίσεις τις μαύρες σκέψεις

Αυτές που ουρλιάζουν για το τέλος σου

Αυτές που σε κολακεύουν για την πτώση σου

Σε στροβιλίζουν σαν Ερινύες

Ψυθιρίζοντας αποτυχημένα σου καμώματα

Το ωχρό φως σιγοτρέμει στην παρουσία του Θεριού

Και υποκλίνεται στην εξουσία του

Είσαι μικρός μπροστά του και το ξέρεις

Είσαι μικρός μπροστά του και το ξέρει, κι αυτό

Το Θεριό σε καρτερεί κι’ απόψε

Για να σου φάει το σαράκι

Να σ’ οδηγήσει σαν μια άλλη Περσεφόνη στα άδυτα

Και εσύ να κηνυγάς το άσπρο χάπι στο σεντόνι

Μάταια να χορεύεις στη φαντασία σου σαν πιόνι

Όλα είναι ψεύτικα! Το ξέρεις.

Μα εσύ που αγάπησες τόσο το Θεριό

Αφήνεσαι στα δόλια γλυκόλογα του

Και ακουμπάς το κεφάλι σου στο πάτωμα

Τραυλίζοντας προσευχές στους αγγέλους

Με αναθυμιάσεις που γεμίσανε τα στήθια σου

Να σκέφτεσε, που πήγαν τώρα όλοι οι φίλοι σου

Χάθηκαν κι’ αυτοί στην ψευδαίσθηση του ‘εγώ’

Προσβάλοντας του δεσμούς σας.

Το Θεριό στοχεύει τώρα έξυπνα

Για να σε απομακρύνει ασυναίσθητα

Χτίζοντας τείχη αδιάφανα

Παγιδεύοντας σε στην ερημιά

Με μόνο σύντροφο άσπρα κοράκια

Θυμίζοντας σου τη κατάρα του.

Το Θεριό θέλει να σε βλέπει με αναλαμπές

Με όμορφους σπασμούς

Να οδύρεσαι στις ανούσιες σου λέξεις

Να παλεύεις για ν’ αντέξεις

Κι αυτό το βράδυ

Να προκόψεις μέχρι την γέννηση του Ήλιου

Που θα σε συνοδεύσει και πάλι την αυγή

Χειραγωγόντας κάθε σκέψη σου

Πλεονέκτης και αγέρωχος

Μόνο σκοπό του έχει το μεδούλι σου

Το Θεριό είναι πάντα όμορφο

Σε όποια εποχή κι αν επισκεφθεί

Θα είναι η φοβέρα μιας αθώας ψυχής

Σαν ένας νέος Κέρβερος

Που ότι και να κάνεις θα σε παραπλανεί

Στα έγκατα της μαύρης θάλασσας

Που μανιάζει στο κεφάλι σου

Δεν σου το είπα ξανά πως,

Είσαι μικρός μπροστά στο Θεριό και το ξέρεις

Είσια μικρός μπροστά στο Θεριό και το ξέρει, κι αυτό.

Κάποια μέρα όμως...

Ο Μιχαήλ θα έρθει και θα νικήσει

Κάποια μέρα όμως...

Θα ξανακαθίσεις ήσυχος

Κάποια μέρα όμως...

Το Θεριό θα σε φοβάται, επιτέλους.